Elixer? I hardly knew her!

The first four minutes of the ludicrously titled Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin set the scene perfectly. There’s a cutscene of a dark knight annihilating a platoon of soldiers while he carries an unconscious princess on his shoulder. Then you’re in a boss battle against a multi-headed creature without context or justification that begins with a man shouting “Bring it!” and ends without resolution. Next there’s a scene of a man walking through a cornfield while Frank Sinatra’s My Way plays only for it to cut out right before he sings “My Way”. And then, finally, a tutorial where you learn how to hit a goblin with a big sword.

That’s the first few minutes of the game: no explanation, no reasoning, just a bunch of stuff that doesn’t really make sense all thrown together. We had to watch this again after we’d finished the game just to make sure we weren’t having a stroke or something, but no this is how the game begins and it only gets sillier from there. Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin is an unholy mess of a game, a spectacular car crash of befuddling ideas, nonsensical design choices, and an approach to taste and common decency that would best be described as cavalier.

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